Feeling overwhelmed from a combination of reading bad news headlines on Facebook; the pressure to sell my time to monetise living; and the excess information nowadays about everything, including how to find balance, I started to reduce my activities to an easily manageable and enjoyable pace. I still sometimes walk the proverbial tightrope and feel I could, at any instant, plummet into the neural net of unhealthy mental habits that became, over the course of reacting to life, my coping mechanisms.
Presently, the tight rope is strung mostly between places of joy though. The joy is my own creation. It is built on a foundation of gratitude which comes from focusing attention on the present moment enough to not allow myself to be miserable when experiences, or their outcomes, are interpreted as undesirable. It is built on understanding that things that don’t immediately go your way, may be making their way there in another manner necessary to allow for your preparation to receive them. Circumstances may even transport you to something better than you imagined for yourself. This requires presence of mind and patience.
If you feel anxious and suffer from depression, however, you may, like me, find some solace in not being the only one, in realising that it’s not our fault. Any sensible person should feel depressed and anxious resulting from the dissonance between actions leading to contentment and the ways in which we feel forced to live.
Modern living is making us sick.
I’ve always managed to get the minimum required done despite being cyclically afflicted by these paralysing emotions, but am happy to, through my journey of self-realisation and authentic living, be gradually overcoming by replacing them.
My Fight against Darkness
You’ve heard it all before. Therefore, you know it’s less about knowing what you need to do and more about getting yourself to act differently from what you’re used to. In my experience, I can’t make myself do anything I don’t really want to, at least not consistently for a long period of time. There is a sense of overwhelm. Perhaps I expect too much too soon and when expectations don’t align with reality, I give up. Small steps. Small victories lead to larger ones and when you look back you see how much you’ve achieved. What I’ve discovered:
Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all been damaged by our past. It seems to be a pattern: childhood trauma leads some to seek healing and others to worsen. Understanding the real cause of our emotional wounds can help us address disempowering beliefs and be kinder to ourselves. Rewiring the brain is a process that takes time. Celebrate the victories.
Meditation. I’ve been meditating every morning before rolling out of bed onto the floor, (almost) daily since January. It was a struggle at first and the mind still wanders to my ‘to do’ list sometimes. However, reduction in my general levels of anxiety seems pharmaceutical, and is particularly evident regarding triggers like public speaking. The effects are cumulative, so chill out, do what you can manage at a time and aim to be more like a cat or dog, living in the moment, without needing to accomplish something everyday. I like the Mindful Movement for Sara Raymond’s voice (doesn’t sound forcibly ethereal) and the sessions’ structure starts with a practical application, but there are several other guided meditations on YouTube. Rewiring the brain is a process that takes time. Celebrate the victories.
It helps that I’ve defined what success means to me. It’s the amount of joy I feel from spending my time doing the things I’m passionate about (living authentically): barefoot-garden-walking and learning to grow food (for when the Sixth Extinction gets really bad); completing my GSM (Gender and Sexual Minority) themed short stories project and working with a non-profit for marginalised groups – all activities that feel purposeful. Success means different things to different people, though, although I tend to have Digital Nomad Youheum’s perspective.
Gratifying Outcomes
Investing in my interests have had gratifying outcomes: gardening has been therapeutic and I’ve made enough money from it (not consistently, but “praise be”) to pay an editor; I applied for a grant to fund the publication of a short story trilogy and it was approved just a few weeks ago; I’m consistently attending Capoeira classes which has benefits like the sense of belonging associated with being part of a community, the endorphin high from exercising, contact with Portuguese (which I used to speak fluently) and learning an instrument; I’ve been working on improving my languages by Skyping with friends from Colombia and Brazil and, finally, how’s this for the interest I have in creating my own reality? Call it a coincidence if you choose, but I spoke a salary into being down to the exact number, and so I will no longer be counting change, hoping not to drop and be scrambling for a five cent before getting onto the bus (I’ll still be catching the bus, though, which is something I’ve always immensely enjoyed because of the characters you come across).
The Seemingly Absurd can be True
To better position myself regarding what I believe about the Law of Attraction, I watched Bruce Lipton’s The Biology of Belief (this full lecture is two hours and thirty minutes (!), but I was engrossed and it made perfect sense). No matter how much humans know, they know very little about how certain things work – we can’t even define consciousness. The seemingly absurd has historically turned out to be truth, passing through Arthur Schopenhauer’s three phases of: disbelief, violent opposition and acceptance as self-evident. So let the electrical field extend and bring on vibrational alignment!
Gratitude defining Success
I’ve been excited about my future because nurturing gratitude for all that I have had and continue to have, everything I’ve always wanted, has made it so whatever comes now will be a nice surprise…unless it’s a limb lost in a car accident, please Universe, I do not want that. Even faced with recent challenges, I’ve been proud of myself for not being defined by them but managing (not always at first, but ultimately) to remember who I am and increasingly be self-aware enough in the moment to be responsive rather than reactive. To choose who I want to be and so create my reality. When you start to see your successes, it gives you the momentum to continue to fill your life with what you define as successes, even if, like me, you tend to sometimes sabotage yourself because even good change can be psychically uncomfortable – better the devil you know. (“The devil” being ‘familiarity’ in this case).
Inspiration from Esther Abraham’s Talks
I’ve been finding inspiration in Esther Abraham’s talks, particularly about fear, nervousness and anxiety and stress, although her level of esotericism can be a little off-putting (“the Vortex” is so sci-fi and I’m not sure why she speaks about herself in the third person).
We are One
A recent podcast has reinforced an understanding of how there is a space for everyone, though, because we are all one. What Gail Bradbrook co-founder of Extinction Rebellion has to say here on Russell Brand’s Under the Skin about consciousness is gratifying. It has led me further in my desire to get along with people I previously thought had opposing views when they may only have been using a different lingo to express them.
While I still have my chosen battles – on behalf of the Earth and the non-human animals we human-animals mistreat, kill and eat – I find myself less inclined to be distracted by them and increasingly interested in simply being the change I want to see in the world. It’s not heroic though. I’m tired and increasingly hopeless…but joyful.
Wear a bikini and vibrate
What I’m working on:
While social media can be used as a tool for good, for me it’s been more like a flame to a moth. Although I manage a few Facebook pages for good causes and post inspirational quotes on my personal page, I feel a lot of anxiety surrounding my addiction to scrolling and guilt from allowing Facebook to use me.
I hope I replace the unhealthy parts of my relationship with Facebook with more time spent in nature and with getting to bed earlier. Again, things don’t seem to happen until you’re ready, which may only happen through serious long-term contemplation of your reasons for wanting to do anything. On the other hand:
Keep it simple
Keeping things simple by returning to the reality of now. In the now, things are usually fine, not replete with imagined ills that will never come into being. The great thing about living my life doing what I want is that it’s all set up – the times and places. I just have to show up. I’ve even done away with the ‘to do’ list since I’ve reduced what I want to get done to one or two things a day and usually just have to show up to get them done.
Reconnecting with friends. My friends have always been and will always be my greatest achievements. “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier”. (Recently I let out a silent scream and during the following three days friends from all over the world heard it [without knowing] and they contacted me. It was simultaneously comforting and terrifying).
Not beating up on myself for not getting things done the way I’ve mapped out in my head. It’s a journey, a process. Be willing to go with the flow, to allow things to happen; to stop resisting, stop hustling. This is how the job at the non-profit found me, right after a bout of depression because I felt I’d been making every effort with few pleasing results. Someone met me, liked me and thought I’d be good for a particular position. You’ve got to trust and have faith that the universe is working for your benefit.
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